Confessions of the Soul
by qu33n b33
Summary: Request!Fic. Soul sat outside the hospital room amongst his friends. But with one of them in the room before them, their thoughts are a bit scrambled. (Nonbinary Soul, hurt/comfort, self harm/breakdown themes)


Fic request from a friend! A hurt/comfort fic, featuring a nonbinary Soul having a breakdown and someone helping him through it! I hope this is good ^3^

Tw for: lots of disordered thinking, references to self harm, depression.

* * *

 **Tap, tap, tap.**

Soul tapped a finger against the bench below them, a slow and steady tempo. They stared at the wall with glazed over eyes and a small frown. That of course was much different than what was going on in their mind. Soul wasn't usually one for long moody silences, but they found themself completely overwhelmed with their own thoughts. They felt like they were suffocating, and could barely open their mouth to breathe.

The others sta around them, all worried and sad as they waited on the news of their friend's condition.

 _Friend?_

 _What happened?_

Soul's thoughts swirled inside their head as they struggled to latch on to a solid thought, or even a linear train of thought.

 _Oh yeah. Black Star._

They grit their teeth as a memory attempted to play in their mind. A blur of movement that led to the presence of another, unexpected person. The mission had stated their were two witches, which had meant the three meisters and their weapons were sure to be enough to take them out. Unfortunately, the info had been incorrect. And it was only after defeating the first witch that they had realized they had fallen into a trap.

Of course, Black Star was not one to think before he acted.

 _It was your fault, you know._

 **Tap, tap, tap.**

Soul glanced over at Tsubaki as the attempted memories continued to flit across their brain. She looked sad, but calmly so. They figured she was probably pretty used to waiting outside hospital rooms with a partner like Black Star. That seemed like a good thing, practice for a real bad situation. Though at the same time, it made them wonder how many times Tsubaki hadn't been calm. How many times had she sat out there in a panic, all alone and sad?

The thought made their heart hurt, so they filed that thought away for another time.

They looked away again and stared at the floor. They heard Patty whine to his left, "Hospitals are no fun." And, while Liz gently scolded her sister, Soul had to admit that they agreed. There was nothing fun about staring at the peeling walls and overly waxed floors (did Stein fall out of his chair on purpose?) and they all knew it. Black Star would certainly agree, were he there.

 _He's not dead, y'know._

 _No, not yet. No thanks to you._

 **Tap, tap-**

"Will you _please_ stop that tapping?" Maka's voice in their ear made them jump, and they looked at her, bewildered. All of their friends did. There was a shocked silence as they all fidgeted in place, anxious for someone to say something.

Soul swallowed hard, their mouth suddenly full of saliva. "S-sorry, Maka." They swallowed again, and realized they were nauseous. They tasted bile in the back of their throat, and when had it become so hard to breathe?

Suddenly they stood-and wished internally that they hadn't so fast-and took off down the hallway. The cries of their friends echoed behind them, but they needed a way out. They couldn't stand the questioning, accusatory looks they all sent. They knew everyone was mad at them. They would never forgive Soul, ever, and Black Star would never get better.

All because of them.

They had to take a break just outside, where a garbage can was conveniently located. Once their lunch was thoroughly returned to the wild, they groaned and stood still while their thoughts raced. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Fuzzy almost-thoughts continued to plague them, almost like bullets from a gun. They had been knocked silly, straight out of their weapon form. Which wouldn't have been a problem if the third witch hadn't shown up. And if Black Star hadn't been a God damned wannabe hero.

 _"Soul! Transform!"_

But they hadn't. They had stood there, in shock. They had stood there while they watched Black Star get hit dead-on with an ugly spell.

Their footsteps were quick and loud as they continued their sprint away from their friends. Even once they were home they didn't stop, and they slammed their bedroom door in Blair's face. They felt bad, albeit a bit distantly. But not bad enough to open the door or even give her an answer when she asked what was wrong.

 _What was wrong? Everything is! How can people not know that? How can they not see it?_

They choked back a sob and slammed their hand into the side of their dresser with a yell. Black Star was hurt, and it was all their fault, and everyone hated them, and they would ally leave and Soul would never have friends again because everyone would know what they had done.

Or at least, that's how their mind rationed it out.

They sunk to the floor with a whimper and pretended they didn't hear Blair's soft, concerned knocks. They placed their face in their hands and sobbed earnestly, finally, and it felt like they had been doused with syrup.

Sadness and guilt finally crept up to them. No longer blocked by confusion and distance, all their negative emotions covered them and made them feel slow, sticky, and useless. They were drowning.

 _You have to do better next time._

 _There won't be a next time, because everyone is going to leave you._

 _You have to do better **right now.**_

 ** _That doesn't even make sense._**

And so their thoughts went, over and over again. You have to do better, it doesn't matter if you do better, they wished their mind would just pick one.

Dimly, they found themself clutching their let arm close to them. Even through their jacket they could feel ghosts of scars that had once run freely down their arm. Some accidental and some not.

It had been a while since they thought about them, they realized. Almost a year, even. The urge to hurt, the urge to pick, the urge to suffer was not one they constantly dealt with any more.

And, at their lowest point in a long time, they realized how bad that indirectly became. They weren't used to the urge any more, like a muscle no longer in use. What did they do, when they felt like this? When it had been so long... And yet not very long at all? As they rubbed their arm they felt a tingle in their chest. Fear, but, laced with something else. Like the feeling of coming home after a long day.

That was so wrong. They _knew_ it was. These thoughts weren't _friends_ and they certainly weren't helpful.

So why was the thought of hurting so... Calming?

They had knives somewhere in their room. Put up, sure, but they were there. They were easy to get to. Easy to think about. Had it really been so long? Since they used a blade against themself?

A knock on the door made them turn their head to face the sound.

"What?" Their voice cracked with grief and annoyance. Why was someone bothering them? And yet, at the same time, they craved attention and validation. Stay away from me. Pay attention to me.

They shut their eyes tight.

"Soul?" Tsubaki's soft voice startled them more than the knock had, and they turned their whole body to glare at the door. They knelt on their hands and knees and eyed the door like a frightened dog.

"What is it, Tsubaki?" They asked, wearily.

 _She hate's me. She's here to tell me so herself. She'll never forgive me._

 _No, she's here to forgive me. Because she's better than me. She's going to lie to me._

Their thoughts returned, jumbled and incomplete and they sunk to the ground completely.

He heard shuffling on the other side of the door and low voices. Ah. The others must be there, as well. "I just-We're worried about you. Will you come out? Black Star's okay, and so is everyone else, and we'd like to talk to you."

 _They're mad._

Soul felt like someone had forced a giant ice cube down their throat. Their skin pricked with goosebumps and they shivered.

"T-talk about what?"

 _They're going to leave you. They're going to tell everyone. Maka will leave. Tsubaki will never look at you again. They could even be lying about Black Star to get you to come out._

"We love you, Soul."

That was...

...Completely unexpected.

"We want to make sure you're okay." There was a pleading tone to her voice, and even as their thoughts pointed out she could be lying, they realized that they didn't think so. For the first time during their breakdown, they didn't even let their negative thoughts be heard.

"I-I'm..." But they couldn't say they were fine. Not only was it a lie, but no one would believe them. No one should.

So, instead, they rose and shakily stood. They wiped their face on their sleeve and took a few steps towards the door. They swallowed hard and opened it slightly. They peered out into the other room, and found a shyly smiling Tsubaki. Behind her were their other friends, clearly concerned, and in Maka's case guilty looking.

Soul wanted to smile and tell them all it was okay. Even in their scrambled state of mind, they wanted to assure their friends nothing was wrong. But it was too late, and too far from the truth. They stared at the floor and sighed.

And then grunted as they were pulled into a rough, unexpected hug.

Tsubaki's arms wrapped perfectly around their shoulders and Soul felt the icy coldness turn to white-hot fear that was only settled when she whispered in their ear.

"It wasn't your fault."

And, suddenly, they reached out and hugged her close. Their fists balled up the back of her shirt and their face ducked down to rest on her shoulder. They sobbed, loudly, and shook their head in disbelief and relief. Slowly the others also worked their way over, and they were surrounded by their friends.

"I'm sorry I snapped." Maka said gently, her forehead pressed against the top of their head. "It wasn't because I was mad at you. I was just stressed out."

Kid nodded, "It was stressful for all of us. But we don't blame you."

"And neither does Black Star." Tsubaki said, gentle as ever.

"But it was my fault. I fucked up." Soul said, "I-I could have helped him, if I hadn't froze."

"We don't know that, silly!" Patty piped up, "It could have been you that got hit, and that wouldn't be better, even if you feel like it would be!"

Soul lifted their head to look at the blonde in surprise. She was right, of course, that technically it wouldn't be better. But it would have made them feel less guilty... Should it not?

They looked at Maka, who smiled and nodded in agreement. Then it would have been her outside the hospital room, waiting to see if they were okay... Again.

Maybe Maka and Tsubaki had some things in common.

Soul backed out of the group hug gently and rubbed at their face. "B-but I-"

Maka grabbed their hand gently and tugged them into the living area. Before they realized what was happening Soul found themself surrounded by their friends as they tried to fit almost everyone on a single two person seat.

"We're here for ya, Soul." Liz said in a voice that made Soul wonder if showing support for her was painful. They appreciated it nonetheless.

"I'm good at hugging!" Patty grinned, and Kid nudged her side.

He looked at Soul with a soft smile. "Mistakes will happen, and witches will get away sometimes. That's why it's important for us all to be here, together, even when things go wrong. And even if, or especially if, we feel it's our fault."

"Kid's right." Maka said as she pulled Soul closer to her, "We're here for each other. No matter what. And if one of us feels bad, we need to tell the others. Even if you have to write it down, or only tell one of us at a time, or even if you need to go somewhere and scream about it."

The others, including Soul, nodded in agreement. They were a team, and they should treat each other like one.

"You're right. I don't know where all these waterworks came from." Soul joked lightly, though they all knew it was serious. But with Maka on one side of them and Kid on the other, with the others scattered near, it was harder for them remember how they had let themself get so worked up.

Slowly, though, they unraveled, and spilled all of their thoughts to those around them. Everything they had thought since the accident came tumbling out of their mouth, faster and faster until they reached the breakdown in their room. They didn't say what they had been thinking, they felt that the real dark part was better saved for later, alone with Maka, where they could really flesh out their thoughts.

But for the time being, they had their friends. All of them. And no one was angry, and no one was going to leave them. They felt... Safe. Satisfied, even.

After a little longer they decided to visit the hospital in shifts, for everyone's well-being, and soon enough Black Star was alert and awake enough for a lot of the anxiety to die down. He also didn't blame Soul, and was shocked that their friend had even thought so. Soul had hung their head, embarrassed, when he said it.

And later, after everyone else had gone home, Soul and Maka had sat on her bed for hours and just talked. They talked about fears and insecurities, and about the past. And the present. And the future.

When she went to bed that night, Maka took the knives in Soul's room. Collections, pocket knives, anything they agreed seemed to be too much.

In return, she left them with a renewed sense of love and safety. And as they went to bed, physically and emotionally exhausted, they smiled up at their ceiling. They tapped a steady rhythm against their bed as their eyes drooped.

 **Tap, tap, tap.**


End file.
